At the time of writing this I am actually a month into my 34th year on this planet. I did, however, only get my ADHD diagnosis 4 months ago when I was still 33 and it just rolls off the tongue better.
So why am I writing this blog now?
Well, it's because I feel like I understand myself much better now. I have a much better understanding of myself than I have ever experienced since memory became available to me.
My entire adult life consisted of knowing I should be doing something e.g. housework and being physically unable to start. I know the difference between a tidy house and a messy one for sure. I can even picture what it should look like upon completion. It's the steps required to get that point that I struggle with. Another struggle is a genuine inability to start (and finish) tasks. Also known as executive disfunction. Executive function is used to establish structures, strategies and determine the actions required to move tasks forward. Without this I need to rely on the reward of dopamine to get me through. People with ADHD also have a dopamine deficiency so once you experienced the same reward a couple of times e.g. a mess free environment. It becomes much more difficult. If I lived alone, the house would get progressively messier for a few months until I couldn't take it anymore (or had someone coming over) and smash it out until it was done and the cycle begins again.
It also takes me a lot longer than most people to do a "spring clean" because I'm very easily distracted. If I come across some gadget I haven't seen for a while I could end up playing with it for half an hour before remembering what I was doing. I may have a sudden thought based on something I've seen, an old DVD for example, and decide that I must find out everything I can about the film such as other films the actors have had roles in, whether they have spouses and children and did that happen before or after the film was released.
There is so much more to it than just appearing to be lazy which I will talk about in much more detail in later posts but some key favourites include:
Starting a conversation with someone in my head and then beginning verbally half way through so that the person I'm speaking to has no idea what I'm talking about
The overwhelming need to be liked by everyone I meet and over egging it to the point of coming on way too strong and alienating the person
Starting one task then linking it to another and not finishing the original task. This cycle usually continues until I can link back to the first task
Sensory overload (touch) - constantly being aware of clothes being in contact with my skin, my fingers and toes being in contact with eachother, my eyelids being in contact with my eyes and my teeth being in contact with the inside of my mouth. Until I voiced this to my partner a few years ago, I believed everyone experienced this and it was just a part of life.
Sensory overload (sound) - loud sounds are OK for me. It's multiple sounds I struggle with. E.g. more than one conversation in a room or someone talking on the phone, clicking a mouse and typing while a TV is on in another room etc.
Hyperfocus - this one is actually really cool sometimes. Other times I get an idea for a hobby or side hustle. Put hours of research in, spend loads of money buying everything I need and then as soon as I'm ready to start, lose interest
Lack of focus on anything I don't find interesting. No explanation needed
Impulsive spending - I have never in my adult life received a pay check and then not had £0 in my account by day three. All my bills have to go out of my account on payday otherwise they wouldn't get paid. I have actually cancelled accounts with companies because they said they wouldn't be able to take payments from my account until 4 days after payday. 3 days is the absolute limit but its a struggle to get there even
I see the world differently to neuro-typical people and if somebody said "I can take this away right now" I would categorically refuse. Seeing the world differently is a super power. I often see solutions to problems that others hadn't thought of and I see them almost instantly. I learn new skills extremely quickly and I'm never bored because I'm always on the go.
Although I have described some things above that could be seen as difficult to deal with, it's all I've ever known. It makes life slightly difficult sometimes as the world is built for neuro-typcals but having a superpower comes at a cost and it's a cost I'm willing to pay.
Don't get me wrong this is all a recent development. I spent my childhood feeling like I didn't fit in with my family and spent most of my adult life feeling like I didn't fit in with the world. Diagnosis gave me answers to questions I didn't even know I had and it feels good baby!
All the love,
Luke X
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