Today I want to tell you my story. Some of you won't be interested but some may get a little value from how I got into this line of work.
Some may even find some hope that it does get better.
The story begins in my early 20s. I had just come back from living in Spain and had no career aspirations or goals. This drove me into a deep, dark and horrible depression.
I was suicidal every single day and at one point I didn't even go outside for months. Obviously this only made things worse.
The only thing that stopped me from taking my own life was the thought of what it would do to my family. my mother lost a baby to cot death and that was always the thought that brought me back. In an ideal world I would have gone back in time and made it so that I had never existed in the first place. This would mean that I wouldn't cause any heartache or grief. I couldn't stand the thought of being responsible for that.
My irrational thinking eventually led me to believe that there wasn't one person on this earth that didn't hate me. To put things into perspective I was once on a coach trip from Cambridge to Bognor. The day was extremely hot and sunny. I was sat in a seat by myself and for hours I was focusing on where my shadow was. Again, irrational thinking led me to believe that everyone on the bus thought I was disgusting and shouldn't be there and that they wouldn't even want my shadow touching them because they were so repulsed by me. Obviously I know how ridiculous that sounds but at the time this was so real for me. In the end I got up and moved to the very back of the bus where the toilet was (it stunk by the way) because the sun couldn't get past the cubicle and onto me. Absolutely insane I know but this was my day to day life. Constant battles with myself inside my own head. Some days you just can't switch to that rational mind.
This led me to alcohol abuse amongst other things just as a way to escape reality for a while. No matter how bad you're feeling I beg you never take this route. It only makes things harder.
Anyway, let's get to the positive part of this story because I don't want you to start your day off feeling sad for me. That's not what this email is about...
One day I woke up after another night of drinking (amongst other things) alone and said enough is enough. I have to stop this destructive lifestyle otherwise I will end up dead. Within 15 minutes of waking up that day (It was cold, wet and the middle of winter) I was running on the street. Which, had you known me back then you would have realised was completely out of character. I think I managed around 0.6 km and I was almost throwing up but I felt fantastic, and that feeling lasted for most of that day. The first hour after I ran I felt like I could do anything. I was unstoppable!
I needed more
So I illegally downloaded a well known high intensity training DVD 8 week course (Thanks Shaun T!) and did it every day without fail. On my rest days I was itching to get to bed so that I could wake up to do the next workout and I was running in the evenings. I was absolutely addicted to running. After a few months I was running 20 km 3 times a week. (I don't recommend this because I had injury after injury due to over training)
I was on top of the world and by the end of the 8 week course I knew I needed to continue so I went and signed up to a gym. I spent so long just using the treadmill because I had no idea what I was doing. After a few months I plucked up the courage to ask for the free personal training session that was included with my membership and got that booked in.
The day arrives and I am nervous AF. I wait outside the office for my coach and I'm ready to bolt and just say something came up and could we reschedule. I now know that if I had have done this I would have just kept doing it and never actually doing the session. Anyway, I'm probably about 90 seconds away from running when the coach walks out. We spent some time talking about what I wanted to achieve. I didn't want to say "I just want to stop myself from killing myself" so I quickly said "I just want to know how to pick heavy shit up and put it back down again"
I'd read a little bit about gym terms and felt confident with my decision.
He said "Alright let's teach you how to Deadlift"
and off we went to the scary free weights area.
Again, I was frigging hooked! It took me quite a while to get correct form and for a long time that was the only thing I lifted correctly because I had been taught by a coach but my life was saved. Cliche AF I know. "The gym saved my life dude" said in the voice of a student backpacker finding themselves in Thailand. But it's so true. If I hadn't found the gym, I 100% believe I would be dead now.
A couple of months into my training career I knew I wanted to help people in my position to get through the shit storm that is depression so I started looking for courses. I naively thought I would be taught everything I needed to know and by the end of the course I would be ready to train people. I was wrong. I came to this realisation during the first half of my course (Level 2) and put off doing Level 3 for another 18 months. But this was ultimately a good thing because I went away and trained hard, learning correct lifting techniques etc. and now I am qualified I feel really confident about coaching people through the process.
I'm fucking good at it now as well!
I never talk about myself negatively either now (well maybe on the odd low day but everybody has those from time to time)
MN